If you aren't going to be a lone wolf, then you need a pack to run with. So will any old pack do? The short answer is NO. The full answer is a little more involved. First, let me drop the wolf metaphor; unlike wolves we humans can belong to or at least associate with multiple groups. However, we have limited time and resources so it is impossible to give a large amount of attention to a wide variety of groups.
We belong to a number of networks or groups by default: school classmates or former classmates, office mates (if you work in an office), family, neighbors. Members of some of these networks can be invaluable in helping you cope with some of the more common changes that occur on a day to day basis (just as an example, when my car needed to be serviced over a weekend recently my wife's family lent us one of their cars so we wouldn't be grounded).
It is the out of the ordinary change that can often go outside of the expertise or experience of our immediate (and most comfortable) networks. The solution, so we are told, is to expand our network... do the "networking" thing. Unfortunately, much of networking is "shotgun" style: point, blast, hope the spray hits something.
Choose your networking efforts based on the challenges or changes you are trying to address. Remember that the most effective networking requires developing relationships, and we have limited bandwidth for those relationships. Look at the organization sponsoring a networking event. Who are they aiming at? If it is a "business networking" group you can bet the attendees are mostly concerned about finding referrals and leads. A lot of service groups attract an extremely diverse crowd. Check around your existing networks to see if anyone has any experience with a group.
This approach may sound cold, impersonal, and analytical, but networking is a tool. If you want to survive change, then you need to use the tools around you effectively. Not everyone can help you with the changes you are trying to make or deal with. Find the ones who can, and work hard to develop strong relationships with them. And the others? Well, you can always add them in with the rest of your 1,500 friends on Facebook; who knows maybe they will become part of your inner circle at a later date for a different set of reasons.
24 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
Archives for February 2010
can anyone help?
celebrate every success
Virtually everything you do can be broken down into small component parts or steps. Some are linear: do step 1, then do step 2, and finally do step 3. Some are non-linear: do this (call it step 1), then do something else (maybe it is the third or fourth step or piece of the process described). The order or process is not what matters. It is the doing. The challenge is to continue "the doing" in the face of failures and frustrations, or maybe just a task that overall seems insurmountable (there are how many steps to this!?).
One simple thing you can do to motivate yourself is to celebrate every success. If you are trying to lose weight and you lose a pound, pump your fist, get a high five! Celebrate the loss of that silly pound (just don't eat a Dairy Queen Sundae to celebrate! There are limits after all). It doesn't matter how small or large the success is, the fact of the matter is it is a success - it is progress.
Is this contradicting what I have said about "positive thinking"? No. I don't want you to imagine a success and celebrate it, have a success and celebrate it. There is an old adage: "Success breeds success." You can't breed more successes unless you recognize something as a success in the first place.
Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go celebrate writing another blog entry!
23 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
One simple thing you can do to motivate yourself is to celebrate every success. If you are trying to lose weight and you lose a pound, pump your fist, get a high five! Celebrate the loss of that silly pound (just don't eat a Dairy Queen Sundae to celebrate! There are limits after all). It doesn't matter how small or large the success is, the fact of the matter is it is a success - it is progress.
Is this contradicting what I have said about "positive thinking"? No. I don't want you to imagine a success and celebrate it, have a success and celebrate it. There is an old adage: "Success breeds success." You can't breed more successes unless you recognize something as a success in the first place.
Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go celebrate writing another blog entry!
23 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
brightsided
If you haven't read "Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America" by Barbara Ehrenreich, I suggest you check it out at your local library or at least browse through it at a Barnes & Noble or Borders near you. I admit the title is a little off-putting, but what she has to say is largely spot on, and a lot of it strikes a chord with me.
In fact, I had this post started a bit ago, but it wasn't until my friend Mel DePaoli sent me this link:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=kool-aid-psychology
that what I was thinking clicked. Go read the whole thing, but here is one of the money quotes:
"Isn’t positive thinking better than negative thinking? All other things being equal, sure, but the alternative to being either an optimist or a pessimist is to be a realist. "
To be a realist is to see the situation for what it is (good, bad, or indifferent), understand your limitations (your vulnerabilities or weaknesses) as well as your strengths, and to arrive at a plan of action to move ahead. Your feelings are whatever they are (positive or negative), it is your actions that determine what will happen.
18 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 1
In fact, I had this post started a bit ago, but it wasn't until my friend Mel DePaoli sent me this link:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=kool-aid-psychology
that what I was thinking clicked. Go read the whole thing, but here is one of the money quotes:
"Isn’t positive thinking better than negative thinking? All other things being equal, sure, but the alternative to being either an optimist or a pessimist is to be a realist. "
To be a realist is to see the situation for what it is (good, bad, or indifferent), understand your limitations (your vulnerabilities or weaknesses) as well as your strengths, and to arrive at a plan of action to move ahead. Your feelings are whatever they are (positive or negative), it is your actions that determine what will happen.
18 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 1
the lone wolf starves to death
In our society we grow up being fed the concept of the "lone wolf": the lonely entrepreneur who builds a business from nothing to some ungodly size slaving away by himself (or herself); persevering against the odds, or the manager who takes on a failing department or division and single-handedly pulls it back from the abyss.
This concept is a myth. No one makes it alone in this world. In fact this myth is quite dangerous, because it leads us to believe that seeking help is a sign of weakness that other wolves in the pack will take advantage of. The truth of the matter is that in a society rocked with change the way this one is, the lone wolf will quickly find themselves in a world of hurt as their strengths that served them so well in a certain situation utterly fail them when the situation changes.
Surround yourself with allies. Seek out those with different strengths and talents, and nurture those relationships. Help them develop so that they can return the favor. You do not need to face change alone. In fact, you can't.
17 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 1
This concept is a myth. No one makes it alone in this world. In fact this myth is quite dangerous, because it leads us to believe that seeking help is a sign of weakness that other wolves in the pack will take advantage of. The truth of the matter is that in a society rocked with change the way this one is, the lone wolf will quickly find themselves in a world of hurt as their strengths that served them so well in a certain situation utterly fail them when the situation changes.
Surround yourself with allies. Seek out those with different strengths and talents, and nurture those relationships. Help them develop so that they can return the favor. You do not need to face change alone. In fact, you can't.
17 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 1
dealing with failure
If you act in the face of change and not just feel, you will fail along the way. This is inevitable. There may be some small sliver of the population that populates that extreme end of the "luck" bell curve where everything goes right, but most of us live in the vast center where things go right and things go wrong with annoyingly equal frequency. Failure is a natural consequence of trying things. It is neither bad nor good. It simply is.
Most of us have been taught to fear failure. Rather than fearing failure, I suggest you accept its presence and consider looking to minimize the effects of it. When you start to act take reasonable steps. If you decided to do a parachute jump, you wouldn't strap on a chute and head up in the first plane! Well, I hope you wouldn't. More likely, you would contact someone who has done jumps before and is either an instructor or can refer you to one. They would start you on a series of lessons on packing the chute, landing, etc. After extensive practice and learning you might go up and do a tandem jump to get the feel of it. All of these "baby" steps minimize the effect of a failure. If you land wrong when you jump from 3 feet, you might have sore ankles or legs for a day, but that is better than a couple of broken legs or worse. You still might "fail" but the consequences are far less dire.
10 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
Most of us have been taught to fear failure. Rather than fearing failure, I suggest you accept its presence and consider looking to minimize the effects of it. When you start to act take reasonable steps. If you decided to do a parachute jump, you wouldn't strap on a chute and head up in the first plane! Well, I hope you wouldn't. More likely, you would contact someone who has done jumps before and is either an instructor or can refer you to one. They would start you on a series of lessons on packing the chute, landing, etc. After extensive practice and learning you might go up and do a tandem jump to get the feel of it. All of these "baby" steps minimize the effect of a failure. If you land wrong when you jump from 3 feet, you might have sore ankles or legs for a day, but that is better than a couple of broken legs or worse. You still might "fail" but the consequences are far less dire.
10 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
feeling vs. acting
Stephen Covey, in "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", makes the point that as human beings we cannot control our feelings - they are what they are. However, we have absolute control over our actions. In a world that is changing as fast as ours is today, it is not unreasonable to expect that we could go through an entire spectrum of feelings in a single day. From anger to love, elation to abject depression. So how should you react? What actions should you take? The key is not so much what actions you take, but how you decide on your choice of actions.
Lets take a common change these days: loss of a job. Having been in that situation in the past I know there are a plethora of feelings most of us go through. Anger, hurt, confusion, and the big one: uncertainty. In a well meant but mistaken attempt to get you to turn off your emotions, some employers might tell you that this could be the best thing that ever happened to you, a new beginning. They might be right, but so what? Why shouldn't you feel those emotions? Maybe you loved that job, maybe you were just hanging on in a bad economy. Even if this turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to you, or a new beginning, it is doubtful this new beginning will be staring you in the face, so why should you try and turn off those feelings?
What you cannot do is allow those feelings to determine your next actions. Don't engage in wishful thinking ("maybe they'll hire me back when the economy turns around"). Wishing is a useless action based on emotion only. Actions need to be based on the situation around you and the tools you have to take advantage of that situation (e.g., your talents and strengths). Your feelings may still be churning, but that's OK, accept it.
Dealing with major change is a lot easier when you allow yourself to have whatever feelings want to bubble up inside, but act on facts and analysis.
09 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
Lets take a common change these days: loss of a job. Having been in that situation in the past I know there are a plethora of feelings most of us go through. Anger, hurt, confusion, and the big one: uncertainty. In a well meant but mistaken attempt to get you to turn off your emotions, some employers might tell you that this could be the best thing that ever happened to you, a new beginning. They might be right, but so what? Why shouldn't you feel those emotions? Maybe you loved that job, maybe you were just hanging on in a bad economy. Even if this turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to you, or a new beginning, it is doubtful this new beginning will be staring you in the face, so why should you try and turn off those feelings?
What you cannot do is allow those feelings to determine your next actions. Don't engage in wishful thinking ("maybe they'll hire me back when the economy turns around"). Wishing is a useless action based on emotion only. Actions need to be based on the situation around you and the tools you have to take advantage of that situation (e.g., your talents and strengths). Your feelings may still be churning, but that's OK, accept it.
Dealing with major change is a lot easier when you allow yourself to have whatever feelings want to bubble up inside, but act on facts and analysis.
09 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
everything I know about handling change...
I learned from computer programmers.
If there is one group of people who understand the power (and terror) of change, it is people in the tech world. Few other industries see the kind of massive upheaval that the technology industry sees on a regular basis. A decade is like a millenium in this world. The death of Moore's law (commonly defined as the power of microprocessors will double every 18 months) has been forecast many times, and yet it still goes on.
How do people in this industry continue on without their heads exploding?
As with most things in life, there is no single overriding answer, no clear reason. However, one reason tends to poke out more often than not. The ability to see patterns.
Programmers tend to understand that there are standard patterns that most computer languages follow. Once you know those patterns, it is "simply" a matter of understanding the syntax that allows a language to follow those patterns (and syntax is simply another pattern!). Since a large number of the best programmers are strong when it comes to pattern recognition, it doesn't take them long to see the needed patterns and learn a new language or adapt to the new patterns of an operating environment (like the World Wide Web).
Hopefully any programmers or other tech types reading this will forgive what may sound like an oversimplification of a difficult craft, but it is that simple (mind you, that doesn't make it easy!). In the tech world, the best bring one of their most potent strengths - pattern recognition - to bear on change that occurs at break-neck speed.
It all comes back to identifying your strengths and finding ways to apply them in a new situation.
08 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
If there is one group of people who understand the power (and terror) of change, it is people in the tech world. Few other industries see the kind of massive upheaval that the technology industry sees on a regular basis. A decade is like a millenium in this world. The death of Moore's law (commonly defined as the power of microprocessors will double every 18 months) has been forecast many times, and yet it still goes on.
How do people in this industry continue on without their heads exploding?
As with most things in life, there is no single overriding answer, no clear reason. However, one reason tends to poke out more often than not. The ability to see patterns.
Programmers tend to understand that there are standard patterns that most computer languages follow. Once you know those patterns, it is "simply" a matter of understanding the syntax that allows a language to follow those patterns (and syntax is simply another pattern!). Since a large number of the best programmers are strong when it comes to pattern recognition, it doesn't take them long to see the needed patterns and learn a new language or adapt to the new patterns of an operating environment (like the World Wide Web).
Hopefully any programmers or other tech types reading this will forgive what may sound like an oversimplification of a difficult craft, but it is that simple (mind you, that doesn't make it easy!). In the tech world, the best bring one of their most potent strengths - pattern recognition - to bear on change that occurs at break-neck speed.
It all comes back to identifying your strengths and finding ways to apply them in a new situation.
08 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
almost like doing nothing
Ever feel like you are treading water? You manage to keep at the edge of the changes that surround you, but you never quite feel like you are on top of things. What happened? You got comfortable.
You react to change, but only enough to reach a basic comfort level. You never dig down to look at what other talents and strengths you might have to face your new reality. You do your tried and true; you make a few incremental tweaks. The bad news is that at some point change may overwhelm your tried and true; the changes we are experiencing in our society today come faster and seem more drastic than ones in our not too distant past.
Now is the time to get uncomfortable. Look for something that could be a game changer, do a complete inventory of your talents and strengths, and really look hard to see how you could leverage them to pursue that new something.
Then go do it.
05 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
You react to change, but only enough to reach a basic comfort level. You never dig down to look at what other talents and strengths you might have to face your new reality. You do your tried and true; you make a few incremental tweaks. The bad news is that at some point change may overwhelm your tried and true; the changes we are experiencing in our society today come faster and seem more drastic than ones in our not too distant past.
Now is the time to get uncomfortable. Look for something that could be a game changer, do a complete inventory of your talents and strengths, and really look hard to see how you could leverage them to pursue that new something.
Then go do it.
05 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
a choice in change
Tom of the Tao Center (http://thedaocenter.com) responded to my last post regarding change with a line that just resonated with me so much, I felt it needed to be repeated and expanded on (just a bit!):
"change happens... growth is optional"
When confronted with change, the only wrong thing to do is nothing. Every change in our life gives us an opportunity to grow - intellectually, spiritually, maybe physically. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger, despair, or confusion in response to some changes; you cannot control how you feel. We do control our actions and choices. In reaction to change, we must make a decision to not only feel, but act with self-examination, review of our changed conditions, and actions to move forward in the new reality. Yes, growth is optional. The consequence of not taking that option is stagnation.
04 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
"change happens... growth is optional"
When confronted with change, the only wrong thing to do is nothing. Every change in our life gives us an opportunity to grow - intellectually, spiritually, maybe physically. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger, despair, or confusion in response to some changes; you cannot control how you feel. We do control our actions and choices. In reaction to change, we must make a decision to not only feel, but act with self-examination, review of our changed conditions, and actions to move forward in the new reality. Yes, growth is optional. The consequence of not taking that option is stagnation.
04 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
Who will save you?
One of my favorite blogs is Seth Godin's. His blog is generally aimed at marketers but how he approaches that topic resonates so nicely with my theme of effectiveness, that the point of a large number of his posts relate nicely to some of my thoughts. And so it is with one of his latest:
Who will save us?
Read the whole post, but one of the lines that really struck me was:
"We need to get past this idea of saving, because the status quo is leaving the building, and quickly. Not just in print of course, but in your industry too."
The status quo never stays long anymore. To stay effective we cannot waste time trying to hold onto what is obviously leaving, or bemoan its departure. Rather we must embrace change (even if we don't like it!), look for appropriate talents and find ways to apply them to the new situation. It works better, and is a whole lot less frustrating.
03 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
Who will save us?
Read the whole post, but one of the lines that really struck me was:
"We need to get past this idea of saving, because the status quo is leaving the building, and quickly. Not just in print of course, but in your industry too."
The status quo never stays long anymore. To stay effective we cannot waste time trying to hold onto what is obviously leaving, or bemoan its departure. Rather we must embrace change (even if we don't like it!), look for appropriate talents and find ways to apply them to the new situation. It works better, and is a whole lot less frustrating.
03 February, 2010 | mtomsho | Leave comment - 0
